Over Poured and Over heard ... Bar Quotes

“I’m in between getting married to you and getting another drink. Any order works, and that ain’t the alchohal talking, but I did have 8 apple martinis with 2 Chivas’s squeezed in.”

“I don’t have patience.”  “If you had patients you’d be a doctor.

” Drunk sloppy girl keeps mumbling to herself, “I’m hot and my husband’s hot, and she’s an old hag. I’m hot and my husband’s hot and she’s…” No you’re a hot mess, and your husband must be deaf, blind, and stupid.

“You’re so fat you forgot what you ate.”

“Someday I want to have a concert for the deaf and the blind.”

60 year old man and waitress with poison ivy stand at the doorway. He slowly grazes her butt with his hand. “Are you touching my ass?”  “A little bit.”  “Well you probably shouldn’t do that. I have a contagious rash.”

Bartender to clumsy waitress. “Can’t you hold your tray?”   “No I wasn’t trained. My mom didn’t raise me with the dream that someday I’d be a waitress.”

“I can’t drink no more. After 2 mimosas I want to stick it in anything.”

German boy to waitress, “My mother says when you make sex make sex with condom. What my mother says I make.”

Waitress to a man in uniform. “Oh you are in the Marines!”   “No Army.”   “That’s cool.”  “It ain’t cool it’s better.” “when I go to Vegas I shoot machine guns!” she replies...  “When I go to Afganistan I shoot people in the head.” “Oh…”

“She looks like a very successful house wife. In the morning she does pilates, in the afternoon she shops, and in the evening she does step aerobics.”

Fat girl freaking out, “I lost my sugar cookie lip gloss!”   “Are you sure you didn’t eat it?”

“You’re the prettiest girl I’ve seen in a long time, and take it from a gay guy… I know.”

“Do you like Swedish boys?”  “Why yes, and I like Swedish men too!”

“Why is it called a red headed slut?”  “They go down easy.”

Foreign guy to skinny, young, confused waitress, “Do you have child?”

Tourist to waitress “I left my card at the bar and I’m leaving now.”   “What does that mean? Do you want your check?”

Gay guy to transsexual, “Isn’t she handsome?”

Tourist to waitress “Is this the club where there are neon lights and people get changed, wet, and ready to go out while customers watch?”   “No.”   “Well could you tell me please where to find it?” “Any strip club.”

“I’m the smartest person you’ll ever meet, I’m from New Jersey!”

“I contemplated going to the gym today then came to my senses and realized I’m already perfect.”

“Are you staying in the hotel? Do you want to start a tab?”  “Possibly…someone is meeting me.”

“Do you keep your wine at room temperature or below?”  “Room.” “Well that’s not ideal.” “Well neither is your face but you don’t hear me complaining.”

Guy looks at exotic dancer on the stage floor, “Wow she’s doing the swifter!”

95 year old man, “I like it when it’s cold because I can tell on the woman it is cold.”

A rabbi sits by the stage of a strip club for three hours. A dancer approaches him. “Oh my God you are still here?”  “I’m offended at your language.” “Are you offended I take my clothes off too?”

“I want ice, and I mean a lot of ice and water.”

Three men from Liver pool England attempt to compliment the waitress “You have been a very good Tempress.”   “You mean waitress?”   “Ah yes that is it.”

“Are you loosing weight?” “Yeah I sure hope so…” “Just remember only dogs like bones.”

“How are you doing sir?”  “Medium…no I take that back, medium rare.”

Pick up line from two old men with no game, “ Can we watch you work?”

Blond girl on a blind date flips her hair over a candle, it catches on fire, and she obliviously sniffs around. “Hmm that’s funny I smell something burning.”

Two guys stare at the waitress. “What is that?” “My daydream.”

Guy with a hooker impatiently waits for his check. “We need to leave NOW!” “Why is she getting paid by the hour?”

“You know what they say about martinis?” “No what?” “Martinis are like breasts, one is not enough and two is too many.”

A sassy gay male dentist asks for his check. The waitress sees on his credit card it says doctor. She jokingly gives him back his check and credit card and says, “Here ya go DOCTOR.” He points his middle finger in her face and drunkenly says, “I’m a gynecologist smell this!”

Waitress to a group of drunk guys in suits celebrating. “Hello guys how are you doing tonight?” “Better than you!”

“Can I get a card to start a tab?”   “No it should be the other way around.”

Male customer whisphers to waitress, “I love your…”   “What?”   He screams, “Your ass is beautiful!”

“I’d love to hang out with you sometime hardly.”

Drunk guy on a date with a fat girl. “The best compliment I can honestly give you is that your best asset is your mind. I understand it is hard to be a special one, but you are special. If we aren’t with anyone in like twenty years we should be together.”

“Hey John do you want a shot?” “Oh no I just had one, If I have another I’ll get too frisky.”

“What cocktails do you enjoy making?”  “Beer.”

Business man keeps going back and forth between the bar to the restroom. The fifth time he comes back from the restroom he goes up to the waitress and whisphers, “I know I don’t know you very well but I just have to tell you I hate flushing it but I do.”  The waitress stares at him blankly.  “Uh flush what exactly?” “Coke,” he says nervously, “I can’t bring it home with me.” “oh I thought you meant taking a crap.”

Waitress approaches a seventy five year old lady who looks her up and down in her scantly clad uniform and boots. “Can I get you a drink mam?”  “Yes, I’ll take a white wine, and I really do love your outfit. Do they provide that for you?”   “Yeah do you want one?”   “No thanks, I’d love to borrow the boots but I live in the tropics, It would be too hot!”

“What do you want?”  “Corona it’s a beer.”

“A beer is seven dollars? Uh I’ll just have a water, make sure it’s tap water.”

A white trash family comes into the lounge on Mother’s Day Sunday wearing matching jean jackets with their sons ages 8 and 10. After being told they have to sit at a table with the kids not the bar the family orders drinks and huffs over to a booth. The waitress drops off 2 Sprites, 2 mimosas, and a gin and tonic. She collects the $52 bucks and walks away while the mother examines the bill and loudly screams, “Damn these drinks are expensive! It’s cheaper to do cocaine than to drink here!”

“What rooms are downstairs?” “The locker rooms.” “Where do you keep your toilets?” “In the bathroom. Where do you keep yours?”

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